Oh yes. We all know it’s true. Chances are, some of you are in them whether you know it or not.
So what is a mom clique? Well, if you don’t know, I’ll explain (or try to without sounding like a complete moron). We all remember the cliques in high school, right? The popular kids, the cheerleaders, the jocks, etc. Well out in the real world, grownups have them too. Especially mothers. Like… the rich moms, the snotty moms, the moms who think they’re better then everyone else, the June Cleavers, and more. There’s to many to name. And if you’re not able to fit in with them, well, you’re nothing apparently.
I’m not trying to single anyone out. But my husband and I have noticed something. It might just be us being paranoid, but when we go to take our son to school, or we’re waiting for him to get out of school, there are groups of mothers (and fathers) who just look at us like we’re bugs for them to squash, no shitting. It’s ridiculous. See, we’re young(er). And all these other parents are in their 30’s, 40’s. And we’re not exactly…their type I guess you would say. We’re low income, we don’t dress like we’re going to a party or to hang out or whatever. We’re not into baking cookies, reading clubs, or the PTA, or whatever else they may do. I’m a nerd (dead girl walking) and he’s a grease monkey. They’re kinda rich, spoiled, think they’re better, or just plain stuck up. But I’ve tried talking to them, but it didn’t take. I wouldn’t be surprised if they laughed at me when I was gone.
So, what I wanna know is, why are they like that? Why is it so hard to get along? Or have they just not grown up yet? Seriously…
Oh man, mom cliques definitely exist. I kind of get that vibe from a few of the parents whose children attend the same preschool that mine do, but I *like* to think it’s because I’m young and hip and they’re… not. Hehe.
I’m *that* young mom at my kids school…I was only 22 when my son started Kindergarten (yep, do the math, had my first at 17), compared to most of the other moms who are in their middle to late 30’s. I definitely felt that vibe from most of them (and from staff at the school), and it hurt my feelings, too. That first year was pretty tough.
However, its have changed in the last 3 years. Mostly from things that I have done differently. First, I volunteered in the classroom. This helped a LOT because it put me at ease on the school grounds, with my child’s teacher, the staff at the school, and the other moms who also volunteered. I was seen around the school more often, and in turn, people began to remember my name, my child, etc, and it made conversation much easier. I also got to know all the other kids in my children’s classrooms, giving me an ice breaker “so you’re Billy’s mom? I graded his writing paper the other day, it was so cute what he wrote…”
Second, I started going to the PTA meetings. I volunteered to help at the school carnival, made signs, put myself out there (even when I felt like a doofus and my suggestions were met with “hmmm, okay, moving on” lol)
But most importantly, I was there. And they recongnized my effort. That gave me a whole other group of women that I knew by name, and they knew me, and ice breakers “so what did they decide for the book fair?”
Once they saw that I wasn’t some teenage drop-out, they warmed up to me real fast, and I have made some really good, lifelong friends! And to be honest, I realized a lot of the other moms were feeling just as awkward being the “old mom”, or the “religious mom” or the “minority mom” and yes, even the “drop dead gorgeous model mom” etc.
Now I walk on campus and I know the crossing guard, the librarian, the PE teacher, the principal, most of the kids, etc and am met with waves and smiles.
that’s actually exactly what I would expect. I’d be surprised if the parents didn’t act like that. Peoples is peoples. What ya gonna do.
People suck. They’re judgemental and stuck up. Especially the older new parents who think they have started some “trend” by waiting until they over 30 or 40. They feel they have planned and planned and PLANNED to have children, whereas YOU…you had a child WAY too young, with NO planning whatsoever. You’re way too young to have children, so you must not be very serious about it. Well, at least that’s one way of looking at it.
However, I think B above also makes a good point. Kill them with kindness. Get involved somehow if you can. It sucks that YOU are the one who has to make the effort, but if you do, I bet both of you will realize the other isn’t so bad. Judgemental people have the luxury of remaining judgemental. it. It isn’t fair, but there is something you can try to do about it. I’d love to hear about you succeeding at it.
Hope you have a great weekend!
- Margaret
p.s. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest.
Happy SITS Day !!
Hi thanks for coming by my site and blog blog is interesting too. TC
Funny, but I was just a little too old, too poor, too single, and too yankee to fit in with the parents at my daughter’s old school. It drove me nuts, no matter how much I tried to help I always felt like they only put up with me when they couldn’t find anyone else.
The next year her teacher and I clicked and I did a lot of in class stuff, but I didn’t stress so hard about the whole school stuff. Now we homeschool and I surely don’t fit in with the local homeschool groups because I’m not religious.
I think all that old high school crud lurks under the surface everywhere, it’s just that most of the time it’s more hidden. There’s just something about the school setting that drags it to the surface. B offers good advice to get involved at whatever level you feel comfortable and remember in the end they don’t really matter.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Hope you will visit often.
Sorry you are feeling looked down on by the other parents. Been there before, still kind of there now, just on a different side now. I am the mother of 5, ages 9-23. Three kids were born when I was quite young, married to a low ranking soldier with no money, no college education, etc. I felt like that proverbial bug waiting to be squashed by those parents who felt they were better than me.
I was older when the last two kids were born, hubby has a lot more rank, we have more money, more education. No the other side looks at me like I am some kind of monster just waiting to pounce on them.
Now that I have seen things from both sides, I realize that a good deal of the bad feelings I had with the first set of parents could have very well been my own insecurities, my own imagination blowing things out of proportion. Or maybe they really did want to squash me. Point is, it doesn’t matter. I like who I am, my husband, kids, grandkids, and friends like me. If someone else doesn’t, it has no effect on my life whatsoever. So, keep being you, keep reaching out to those who seem unapproachable. You may get rebuffed by some, but you may also find a new friend.
Well, I’m not a mom yet, so I wouldn’t know about this, and I’d probably be one of those moms in their 30s-40s too, since I’m not getting any younger… =( But in my case, if I look at a young mom like I wanna squash her, it’s probably coz I’m so jealous! I’ve always wanted to be a young mom, but I haven’t found the right guy, and I didn’t think I was ready financially and otherwise. Biologically ready a loooooonnnngggg time ago, but financially, and “marital-ly” not ready. I just got married early this year, and I think we’re still not ready yet for children, but hopefully within the next year or so…
Thanks for visiting my blog, by the way! It was great getting your comment! =)
I think they just haven’t grown up yet!! We are young parents too by the way!
Also, I am doing my first giveaway on my blog if you’re interested:
http://www.mooreminutes.com/2009/09/pleated-poppy-giveaway.html
Mom cliques *absolutely* exist. Back in ‘04 & ‘05, I was the full-time caretaker of my then-baby niece because Finnish daycare system is shite, and I used to go for long walks, get the groceries, go to the park with her in the stroller and all, and I was in the early stages of my very long gothic phase back then. Now, my niece was a spitting image of me back then so naturally people thought she was mine.
And I swear to God… these older, “better” mothers spoke to me like I didn’t know what the Hell I was doing, because I was so young and looked like a “ghost”. “Too” young in their opinion to be taking care of a child and apparently members of a subculture are automatically bad caretakers. The questions were along the lines of “So, how long have you been a single mother?” and “Do you know the father of your child?” and “So, you live on welfare?” And I could SEE the “better” mothers scanning my arms for needle marks. I didn’t even bother correcting them (that the baby wasn’t even mine – they’d probably call the police if I’d said that claiming I STOLE the child for some heinous rituals because I was a scary satanist type in their eyes), I just gave them snide remarks (which obviously made me an even worse “mother” in their eyes because I didn’t take their “bright” advice) and walked away.
It’s just ridiculous! You’d think that grown women would be confident enough to trust that they’re good enough without bringing other mothers down, but I guess it truly is a mom eat mom world, eh?
Keep your chin up. It’s usually those snobby mommies who breed the spoilt little brats that no one can stand anyway.
I’m the old mom at a school full of young moms, and so I know how you feel. I wonder if our kids have any idea, or if it matters to them?
Don’t let it bother you. I’m sure you’ll find you niche. Its best to identify the bad apples early so you can steer your kids away from their kids.
Sorry you are having to deal with that type of people.
Some people just never outgrow their cliques!
But you are way cooler than them , so who gives a crap?!
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
Kill them with kindness and get involved. Just think about it, when they were your age they probably didn’t even have the balls to be parents.
It is sad that people are like that. I try to just be as nice and kind as I can be and hope that someday they will realize that life is too short to be snobby! Every human has value. Stopping over from SITS this morning
I agree with most everyone, they are just insecure with themselves. You remind them that their youth is fading and they are going to be old by the time they get their kids out of the nest.
It’s sad those cliques still exist even as adults, even though we tell our kids their popularity in hs doesn’t matter, but in reality it follows you throughout your life. Is it because it’s always their in the back of our heads or does it really exist? I’m not sure.
I have a couple friends that were obviously in the popular, perfect clique in hs and we try to be friends but it’s hard for even me to get beyond our differences. I invite them to things but they are always too busy with this or that friend that they really aren’t even that close to. Yet my close friends who grew up in the same clique as me value are relationship differently.
I just keep trying to love on those friends and kill them with kindness, no matter how hard it is.
OMG didn’t know it exists also in parenthood… I thought it would be different once we became parents coz then we are all adults.
I know how it feels when you try to befriend people and it’s like they’re thinking ” why are you talkking to me?”
oh well their loss right?:)
I had a wonderful mom clique when my kids were in pre-school, but over the years of only seeing them at school functions (my kids took the bus) the clique fell apart.
That clique I had – it wasn’t exclusive like you’re talking. Any of them would talk to anyone who seemed friendly. But we were all older, and sometimes there was a but-for-the-grace-of-God-there-go-I feeling when we saw younger parents who were struggling.
My experience has been that only about 20%-30% of people ever actually grow up. The rest just get older and keep acting exactly the same way they always did. There are psychological theories about people who have had abuse or injuries that stop their emotional growth at the age the abuse/injury occurred. But I’m not sure how that reflects on the population distribution. Are 70-80% of Americans surviving abusive childhoods, and really don’t know how to get past that? Pretty scary concept.
I was often in the outcast group myself also. Started in gradeschool, didn’t change after I graduated. Something changed when I started homeschooling my children though. Suddenly, it didn’t matter if I “fit in” or not because we created our own standards of acceptance and established our own values. And then people became curious about why I would do that, and they would talk to me about it. I knew from my own experiences in school that being a social outcast definitely did NOT help my self esteem or my self image, so I didn’t want my kids to have to struggle through that. This, among a dozen other reasons, is part of why we chose to homeschool our children: to give them a stronger self-image and to help them cultivate strong self-worth and family values from the onset. My oldest is 16 now and I would definitely say that it has worked! We have a strong family, and our children are socially very well adjusted, self-confident, and excelling academically. And in the process we have formed a Homeschool Mom’s support group in our town, where I’m a co-leader. And we welcome families who have been through all manner of struggles and give them the encouragement and support they need to follow through with their decision to take charge of their families and homeschool their children. I’m also the leader of a volunteer game development team, which grew out of a combination of my homeschooling and online gaming experiences. It’s been the most amazing thing to go from outcast to leader. I still don’t have a real stable self-esteem, but I definitely can sympathize with the underdogs, and I’ve learned to fight ferociously for them. They often have the best ideas, and are definitely worth listening to!
God bless you, I hope you find peace.
-Laurene
I’ve run into a similar issue in my neighborhood. I was actually just talking about this with my friend today. She said ‘wow your street is messed up’.. and I guess it’s just about the clique. Like I’m fine with everyone until they start getting together, now that they’re all friends I’m left the odd one out. I don’t much like it either. Going out somewhere is fine, but at home.. I don’t want to feel like the one everyone’s talking nasty about.
I’ve got the oldest kids in the neighborhood and I’m the youngest mom. I don’t know how much has to do with all that, but I’m definitely on a different path than they are. If they don’t want to accept me for who I am, I’ll just not bother with them. Life doesn’t have to be all drama..
They exist everywhere. I think no one ever really grows up. It s so bizarre to me!
Hehehe